The House Portal: What We Do and Don't Know

Laverne Jefferson
August 29th, 2049

North Deering is known to be where the bougie people of Portland live, so it is kinda shocking that some super mishap occurred there. And by super mishap, I'm not talking about some molasses spilling. This thing, whatever it may be, puts the super in superhero.

Picture, if you will, a house. From what I'm finding on Google Maps, this house used to be quite the modern beauty. Pristine white with two stories and way, WAY too many windows. A beautiful pool with furniture around it that would cost more than my childhood house. Yes, when I said bougie people lived up here, I meant bougie.

Now take this image in your head and pour oil over it. Then have the visible edges excrete some sort of black fog. Voila! You have the Portland Portal House that everyone is talking about. As of right now, you won't be able to check if this is what the portal actually looks like since the contradictorally named heroic squad, The Peacekeepers, have it under tight lock down.

From their latest press conference, we know that the portal is growing slowly in size. What we don't know how it came about or what happened to the house that used to be there. Seriously, what if there were people in the house? People from our great town of Portland, Maine who are now trapped in who knows where, and our government is hiding that information from us. That's super messed up!

Before they started threatening people violence for gawking the scene, I was able to get this quote from The Peacekeepers leader, the literally fiery Katherine Evergreene: "Closing this portal may be our biggest challenge yet, but we won't rest until we've secured the safety of this city and its people. We understand the magnitude of the treat this portal poses, and we're fully committed to ensuring that it's closed once and for all."

UPDATE - AUGUST 30TH, 2049

There is now a snippet of footage that was recovered from an unmanned drone that went into the portal. Unfortunately, a teenager was not considered important enough press to receive the footage. If you want to witness it for yourself, please go to the Hero New's Network or The Mundane Zone's website. If you're lazy like me, here's the rundown.

For the first thirty seconds, there is nothing but black goo and the squelching of said black goo. After that there's a blinding light. Once the drone adjusts its camera, you see a beautiful field as far as the eye can see. In front of the drone is the house as you can find it on Google Streetview. The footage of this field and house is heavily distorted as seeing the raw footage has, according to news source more reliable than I, put people into a coma-like state of euphoria for a period of time.

Like me, you might be wondering why we would be shown this clip. That's because of the part right before the drone is destroyed. From what I'm reading on other sites, what causes the drone to go down is being hit by some sort of metal object. It spins out of control and lands with its camera, still somewhat intact, facing up. There is a tanned individual with brown hair who says, "What do we have here?" before the footage cuts off.

Due to some convenient lens cracks, we are unable to see clearly who this person is. However, if this voice sparks any memories in you then I urge you to tell The Peacekeepers what's up. And not for any civic duty as a citizen, but because there's a $10,000 coming your way if you are able to identify this person who is suspected to be the creator of the portal.